


I Could Even Learn How to Love Like You

by Ghostietea



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fruits basket spoilers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Kyo and Tohru are platonic besties don't worry, Light Angst, Light gender angst, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Sickfic, mixed in with some gay angst, other charachters make background appearances, they may not look it but damn do these two have the same braincell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28433496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostietea/pseuds/Ghostietea
Summary: After a series of bad decisions (her specialty), Akito finds herself passed out in the apartment stairwell of one Tohru Honda, her best friend of a few years and overall favorite person. Tohru Honda, who she probably certainly has a giant secret crush on. Meanwhile, Tohru remembers the past, when an unexpected helper came to check in on her while she was stuck home alone with a cold. When Akito awakes and tensions come a head, what will become of their feelings?
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Akito
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	I Could Even Learn How to Love Like You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thanks for reading! This was originally a gen fic that got way out of hand and has been languishing in my docs since July. I'm actually really picky about shipping Akki actually but I?? Tried my hardest at the time?? Anyways a few light tws before we begin:
> 
> -general disregard for germs don't follow these idiots examples  
> -not super graphic and you can tell when it's coming but warning for emetophobia in the flashback section  
> -at one point a character basically has a pretty intense sensory/emotional overload attack  
> -Akito is here, she's a pov character, her thought process can get a bit upsetting and she's basically a walking allusion to canon typical child abuse

Akito Sohma should have known better than to go out to see Tohru Honda that day. But she did anyways, because she was tragically and irreversibly in love with her best friend. 

Also she was just really, really stubborn.

Seemingly a thousand things had gone wrong at the main estate that week, and she had dealt with them all herself because that was  _ her job. _ Dismantling the toxic inner workings of an ancient, cultish family did not come easy or quick and mayhaps she pushed herself a bit  _ too far _ at times but that was her own business. Hatori would grumble if he heard, but just last night she'd stayed up till near dawn drawing up plans to show to the Sohma council and filling out paperwork. So of course Akito just wrote it off when she awoke feeling like she'd been tossed into an industrial strength washing machine in her sleep. Today was the day she was visiting Tohru, and she was not going to be a  _ weakling  _ and flake out. Besides, fleeing the estate for the company of the former enemy that brought the zodiac curse down had a dramatic ring to it that could motivate her even on the darkest days.

It had been three years since Tohru moved to the country with her probably boyfriend Kyo, and Akito still visited her regularly. At first it had just been a comfort, a reassurance that she wouldn't lose Tohru to distance, but eventually it was just routine. There was a train that ran right through the town she lived in, so Akito didn't even need to burden one of the drivers. It was something she did of her own will and means, which was freeing in its own way . 

The atmosphere was dramatic, grey clouds blocked the sky and the trees rustled in the wind. This should have been a warning, but Akito preferred it when the glaring sun wasn't hurting her eyes and giving her a headache so she just saw it as a welcome change of pace. The main gate shut behind her with a heavy  _ thud _ as she set off for the train station. The walk to the station wasn't that bad, but by the time she got there she was thoroughly tired and sort of dizzy. However, the first time she'd walked there herself she passed out so…. progress? Hatori would have driven her and she knew it, he would have taken her all the way to Tohru's if she asked, but Akito couldn't stand the thought. That'd just be one more thing on her already insurmountable tab. 

She was feeling worse than she usually did after walking to the station though. Had to be the lack of sleep, she hadn't gotten sick in (2) months, it had to be fine. 

Akito felt watched as she slipped through the crowd towards the back of the train, habitually tugging the bottom of her skirt down even though she knew it was fine already. At least she was wearing a loose sweater on top, a safe choice. She still wasn't quite sure about  _ girl's _ clothes, wearing them every once in a while was validating but she couldn't quite get past the feeling that she would be scolded, that others would see into her and judge her a fake. Being around crowds in general already made her feel horrible. Logically, she knew it was because she was over sheltered and under socialized and had never gone to school or anywhere really until she was already an adult, it was just overwhelming. In her head she felt watched though, like the eyes of everyone she passed would fall upon her and know every sin she ever commited, see that she was a pretender that tried a little to late to be a kind girl instead of a cruel boy. Riding the trains made her feel disgusting but she had resolved to do it so she screwed her eyes shut and calmed her breathing as she moved to the back car were no one else ever wanted to sit.

At first Akito couldn't ride the trains at all, even smaller crowds made her head swim. Tohru still lived in Tokyo at the time, so Tohru rode the trains with her.

She said it'd be fun, that she never rode the trains either so it'd be an adventure for both of them. Akito thought this was an insufferably bright way to look at things, so naturally she was charmed enough to go along. Tohru was not sheltered like Akito, but she had missed out on a lot of life experiences too, just enough catch up work that she'd learn too but not enough to be naive. So they'd hop on and sit in the back car on days that weren't busy and just go where the in city trains took them, always a new experience. There'd been quite a few misadventures and it was really hard for Akito at first, but in the end it was… nice. By the time Tohru left Akito was willing to try riding by herself.

Tohru moved. Akito visited her.

Akito realized why she thought about Tohru just a bit too much when she was gone.

Akito was rudely snapped out of her pleasant memories by the train going over a bump in the tracks. She could hear the mixed drone of voices from the other cars, and the one she was in was painted almost night dark by the cloudy weather, which was good because her head  _ hurt. _ Even the distant chatter was grating. She shivered and pulled her knees to her chest, cold even under her sweater.  _ Uh oh.  _ Akito was used to being cold, she usually was cold, but this was a different type of cold, shaky and dissonant from her surroundings and even her own self. It was a distinct feeling  _ very similar  _ to having a fever, but she shook it off, concluding that she just needed to rest. She pulled herself into the corner seat, the coziest spot, and turned to watch the countryside from the window, imagining a different world were she was brave and free enough to explore it all. It would probably be hot or cold and tiring and she'd hate it, but maybe in the other world she wouldn't be such a wuss. 

By the time she was two stops from Tohru's, Akito's throat felt like someone had skinned it from the inside and there was no denying it, she was  _ definitely  _ sick. It was not nearly as bad as many times before, but she was certainly not okay. So far she was dizzy, fatigued, had a sore throat, and was right about at the point of feverishness were things started to get muddled, though at least she wasn't so nauseous that she was too worried that she'd puke on the train. By the time she was at her stop she almost didn't process it in time to get off and nearly fell over when she tried to stand. Akito, however, was sure as hell not going to get stuck on the train, not after getting this far. She was going to get to Tohru's and  _ then  _ she'd figure it out, which seemed like a very put together plan for someone so fuzzy from their brain trying to boil itself. Fueled by sheer stubborn spite, she made it off the train, she made it out of the station, she made it to Tohru's apartment complex with only one wrong turn. She made it to the second landing of the stairs before she had to sit down, legs shaking and utterly winded. The metal of the stairs bit into her, but she almost didn't notice. Just a minute, she'd get going in just a minute. Akito's vision blurred, eyes feeling dry and heavy. Her last thought before she lost consciousness was that she hoped she didn't worry Tohru by being late.

And so it came the pass that Akito Sohma made a bad decision (her specialty), got terribly sick, and passed out in the stairwell of an apartment complex two hours away from home. 

♡

(In the past)

Tohru didn't like to look on the dark side of things but she couldn't pretend; this fricking sucked. She was sicker than she'd been in years and she'd have to miss school, something that filled her with dread at the thought of how the teachers would react. She'd already missed so much from her stint in the hospital, this was definitely dipping into the danger zone. Hopefully she wouldn't get her graduation pulled with less than a month of school to go, she knew plenty of students used that as an excuse to skip, but she wasn't one of them!

Clenching her fist in determination, Tohru gave it her all and hopped out of bed, making her head spin so bad she thought she was going to pass out. After trying to forge on and accidentally triggering a thunderous round of coughing, Tohru decided to take it easy and dejectedly lope towards the stairs, making a strange "wooooo" noise as she went. She had no hope that she'd be able to eat or cook anything for breakfast, but she had to at least let Yuki and Kyo know to go on without her.

Only a few coughing fits and one run in between her face and the paper door later, Tohru dragged herself into the common room and plopped down in front of Yuki and Kyo like a corpse that a cat brought its owner as a present.

"I'm sick." She stated 

"Well yeah!" Replied Kyo, "Looks like you're half way to the grave there!"

"Are you okay? we were just about to get you for school before we were late but one of us can stay behind if you need." Said Yuki.

Tohru sniffled. "Isn't Shigure-san here?"

"No, damn slacker left for a party last night and ain't back yet." Grumbled Kyo.

Tohru felt her stomach sink, she hadn't counted on being alone. "Oh, ok!" She said, trying to be cheery. "I'll be fine, I'm almost 19 for heaven's sake, I couldn't bear it if you guys missed class for me!"

"You sure?" Said Yuki, concerned look on his face. 

"Yep! And uh, don't tell Momiji or any of the others either, I don't want them busting out of school to come see me."

"Ok…" said Yuki, I'll call the main house to get Hatori over here" then he shuffled off to the hall, fumbling with his phone on the way out.

After he left Kyo scooted closer, meeting her eyes with a worried look. "Geez Tohru, we'd be fine staying, you shouldn't push yourself just to avoid inconveniencing others." He sighed "But I know you, you're stubborn and not gonna let this go, huh?"

Tohru giggled, accidentally starting her cough again. "Yep!"

"Ah well fine, you know where the supplies are, get a cool cloth for your fever and some cough medicine." He looked at his watch and stood up "COME ON DAMN RAT WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!"

"NOT THE RAT ANYMORE STUPID CAT!"

"CHOKE!"

With some grouching and fussing, Yuki and Kyo gathered their stuff and scrambled to the door. With a hesitant goodbye, they were off.

With the house quiet Tohru puttered around the kitchen, trying to get some water and a cracker to nibble on with some other supplies. After more coughing and dizziness, she abandoned her mission with only a dry towel to show for it and shuffled to the living room to lie down. The couch was less comfortable that she remembered and it was too hot. Tohru ended up rolling off and onto the floor, pressing her face to the floorboards to soak in some of the cool they retained from the chilly night.

She lay like that a while, curled up on the ground and watching as dust swirled lazily in a patch of sunlight. Sometimes, if she felt extra energetic, she'd brush her hand through the ray of light, sending the dust dancing wildly. Sometimes she'd cough and it'd do the same. She should probably dust the house. More than anything, Tohru wanted to call out to someone, anyone, she hated the silence. But when she did the sound of her weak voice echoing in the house just made her feel more alone. Curling herself into a tight, sweaty ball, Tohru tried to space out and forget the suckiness of it all. 

After a while, Tohru thought she heard a knock on the door, and muffled sounds like someone speaking.  _ School can't be out yet? _ Her head was fuzzy though, and her body ached from a combination of illness and lying cramped up on the hard floor. Maybe she should have done something, called out, but in the end she didn't.  _ I'll do it in a minute just give me a minute. _ It went on like this for a few minutes, seconds, hours, whatever. Time seemed sticky and inscrutable to Tohru's fevered brain. Finally, a click, the click of the door opening, a voice calling her name, familiar but too muddied by her sickness to discern. Then footsteps, and finally, the creak of the paper door to the living room being tentatively slid open.

For a second Tohru didn't recognize the person in the doorway. She was a slender androgynously pretty girl, with short cropped black hair and a faded floral sweater tucked into high waisted pants. The light from behind seemed to cast a glow around her, an ethereal sight that could be blamed entirely on Tohru's eyes being unadjusted. Then it hit her, her visitor was  _ Akito. _

Tohru hadn't expected that. 

Akito rubbed her arms while she looked around nervously, glancing around the room like it was some alien planet. There always had been some unspoken rule that Akito was not allowed here, that this place was not for her, maybe she knew that.

Then she noticed Tohru on the floor.

"Tohru-kun? I'm sorry, I, uh, sorta broke in I thought you might be in trouble." She made a face like she realized something. "Ah, for the record, I didn't actually  _ break _ anything your spare key was just really badly hidden."

Kneeling besides her, Akito helped Tohru into a sitting position. That made Tohru really woozy and definitely brought to attention all her aches and pains, yet she still felt more relieved then she had all day.

"Akito-san, you're here!" Tohru exclaimed, waving her hands while she talked, "I guess I didn't think to call you, but you wouldn't have school since you're a bit older than me...and, like, definitely homeschooled before that..." 

Akito seemed to physically recoil, slinking back like she wanted to disappear.

"Oh uh, not didn't think to call like I didn't want you here! I just haven't seen you here before so it didn't click! I'm so happy that you came for me!" Tohru gave her best thumbs up and happy smile, though the quick motion made her cough a little. Akito visibly relaxed. 

"Actually though, how did you know to come?"

"Hatori's out of town, Yuki tried to call the main house for him and word got around so…" Akito shrugged.

Tohru sniffled "You came to check up on me?"

She pulled at her sweater sleeve, pausing for a bit before talking. "Yes. I'm not a doctor by any means but I used to get sick all the time so I have some secondhand experience with what goes into taking care of a sick person." Akito looked away "I-I didn't think you'd want to be left sick and  _ alone _ ."

Tohru felt her chest tighten, she knew what was being implied. It was true, she did have some  _ issues _ with being alone, but it usually took people longer to catch on. Akito, it seemed, had known for a while, she'd found out almost as quickly as Rin. She was frighteningly good at seeing people's weak points, for better or for worse. Even beyond that, Tohru knew that they were the same on that front, it must have been easy to see something that just mirrored her own self. Some corner of Tohru was happy to be understood, but the instinct to hide was still there. She broke down into a fit of coughing, pulling her out of her spiraling thoughts. Doubling down with her arms braced on the floor, the coughing wracked through Tohru's body, choking her in a way that almost made her panic.

After her fit subsided Akito tentatively patted her back, meeting her eyes with a look of confusion and concern. 

"Pretty bad?" Tohru nodded miserably. The other girl sighed.

"Let me check for a fever."

Akito trailed her fingers across Tohru's forehead, abruptly jerking back when she felt how hot it was. Her hand was frigid, something which might normally bother Tohru but now was shinning oasis in the heat of her fever. 

"Ach, you're burning up!" Akito exclaimed and rambled on as Tohru proceeded to not listen to a thing she said.

"Your hands are sooo cold Akito-san, touch my face again please." Tohru said with a giggle. Akito gave her a look, which caused Tohru's sickly brain to process that maybe she was being weird and should apologize. She was just about to when the other girl sighed and leaned in, gently brushing the back of her hand against her cheek. Tohru hummed in approval and Akito had to readjust so she was cupping Tohru's cheek as Tohru let her head rest on her still skeptical friend's hand.

For a little while they just sat like that. And after a little while more they came to a mutual silent agreement that it was getting awkward and both moved.

"Let's get you off of the floor and I'll go fetch some stuff for you, got it?" 

"Getting Tohru off of the floor" turned out to involve Akito very lamely failing to pull her up and then watching blank faced as Tohru halfheartedly heaved herself onto the couch. Well, physical strength had never been Akito's forte. Defeated, she shuffled out of the room to go questing for whatever it was she wanted to get.

By the time Akito got back carrying a bowl of water and a towel, Tohru had managed to shakily unbutton her flannel night shirt and toss it aside, only leaving her plain sleeveless undershirt. The sight of this made Akito freeze like a deer in the headlights; Tohru supposed it was because she'd never really hung out with other girls enough. Yeah, that was it. Had to be.

While Tohru was thinking, Akito had crossed to the couch and climbed up beside Tohru. Thoroughly soaking it in the bowl first, Akito tried to wring out the rag, squeezing it too hard and dropping it a couple times.

She didn't know how to explain it, but Tohru instinctively felt watching her that Akito was tired. When she looked closer Tohru thought she could detect faint dark circles around her eyes, though it was hard to tell since the second Sohma curse was looking  _ unfairly  _ pretty at all times. What would make Tohru look halfway to the grave would make a Sohma look mildly unrested. And Tohru was sure in the ranking of top tier hot Sohmas Akito was way up there with Yuki and Rin, extra points for being attractive as a boy or a girl.  _ Anyways, _ it was hard for Tohru to tell that she looked tired.

"Akito-san, have you been sleeping alright?"

Akito looked up from her task, surprised. "Things have been crazy at the estate, usually are, not much time for rest when you've got work to do" 

Tohru felt a sting of guilt prickling her heart. "But why did you come to take care of me if you're so busy?"

Embarrassed, Akito looked away. "I can pretty much do what I want; working is flexible, you needing help was not."

_ Things Akito does prioritize: me, things she doesn't prioritize: stopping herself from working until she drops. _

"I'm flattered," said Tohru, "but if you were busy before, why didn't you stay home and rest so that you didn't also get si-"

"I had to, okay." Interrupted Akito, raking a hand upwards through her long bangs. "Because you're too good, you'd do the same for me in a heartbeat. Someone who just gives without getting back… that would be sad, I  _ had  _ to come." Tohru chose not to comment on how Akito had done it first.

"Hm" Tohru nodded, a smile spreading over her face. Akito cocked her head, giving Tohru a quizzical look.

"It's nothing, it's nothing." Said Tohru, feeling rather fond. 

Akito lightly flicked her forehead. "Dork."

_ You too. _

Scooting closer, Akito gently pressed the rag to Tohru's forehead before drawing back and letting Tohru hold it, evidently feeling weird about holding it there for too long. Tohru was almost too preoccupied by how nice the cold felt to notice Akito dashing off and coming back with a normal cup of water, crackers, and some medicine that Tohru was really not sure how she found.

While she was arranging the items Tohru fished the remote out of the cushions and flicked the TV on, lazily flipping through the channels until she came to a block of Mogeta reruns.

"Akito-san you like Mogeta right, let's watch that!" Akito looked like she was about to protest before shutting her mouth and nodding, probably remembering that Tohru had already seen her Mogeta plush.

"My mom always used to put cartoons on for me when I was sick." Remarked Tohru absentmindedly, a twinge of sadness tugging at her. Akito looked at her uncomfortably for a minute, evidently not wanting to comment on the subject.

"Here." She said, passing Tohru medicine and a glass of water. Tohru gulped it down obediently, wincing at the taste, and sneakily wiggled over to lean against Akito.

"There, let's watch the show." 

It had taken a bit to get past initial worries and formalities, but Tohru had found that once she trusts you Akito was 100% the type of friend who is really cuddly and affectionate if you let her. Of course, so was Tohru, so combined they could be a bit of a menace to society. From the clutches of illness, it felt nice to have someone sitting beside her, comforting. It was only after almost 30 minutes of huddling against her friend with her head on her shoulder and only occasionally moving to grab another cracker to nibble on that Tohru jolted wide awake with realization, an echo of their earlier conversation playing in her head.  _ "I used to get sick all the time, so-" _

"Wait a minute, don't you get sick like, really easily? I don't want you to get my germs!" Tohru said as she pushed Akito back and held her at arms length.

"I haven't gotten sick for a whole month!"

"That doesn't mean you're immune??? Get back!" 

Dejectedly, Akito hopped off the sofa and shuffled over to sit on the floor a good distance away, looking back at Tohru like an abandoned kitten.

It was very hard for Tohru to hold her ground, having to push the comforting presence that was grounding her away sucked. And okay, it was well known that she was a huge softie and didn't like having to be cold to her friends when they looked so sad. She grabbed the crackers and started snacking, trying to have something secondary to the TV to focus on so she didn't have to meet Akito's baleful dark eyes.  _ It truly is amazing that she can pull off the intimidating look AND the cute look so easily, but not right now! _

It didn't help matters that Tohru was feeling increasingly worse. Really she just wanted to sleep, but she was far too uncomfortable to ever drift off. Against her better judgement she shot a look at Akito, who seemed to be suspiciously closer than before.

"You. Germs."

"Tohru-kun, you look sad and sick all alone over there."

Tohru looked over at her, munching on crackers in a warning way. It's not that Akito was completely wrong, she got how Tohru felt and wanted to help she just didn't know  _ how.  _ Akito managed to connect that Tohru didn't really want her to go but not that she should stay gone anyways, hence the problem. Geez, Tohru really was feeling worse. The medicine from earlier had provided a temporary lift, but now she'd been plunged right back into the depths of sickness. 

Curling up on her side, Tohru shivered. It was as if every part of her body was in rebellion against her. There was a dark, icky, choking feeling that had settled in her throat. Her stomach felt like it had been vigorously whisked, maybe the crackers weren't such a good idea.  _ Oh. That's it _ .

Launching herself off the couch, Tohru bolted to the nearest bathroom with strength she didn't know she had. 

Stumbling down to the tile floor Tohru braced herself over the toilet, unable to breathe. Her long brown hair hung in curtains around her face, and she tried desperately to push it out of the way but her hand was trembling too violently and it kept slipping from her grasp. Then quiet, tentative footsteps, the unmistakable presence of someone beside her, hands tangling in her hair to sweep it back to be held behind her neck. It was a soft gesture, one Tohru would appreciate if she didn't feel so bad.

Tohru had about half a second to feel embarrased that someone was there to see her before her body purged itself of its contents.

When she was done she slumped to the ground, energy drained except for an uncontrollable tremor going throughout her body. The tile felt pleasant, cold on her too hot skin, so Tohru lay there crumpled up as she shook. Akito stayed beside her, sitting with her back pressed against the tub and silently stroking Tohru's hair. Tohru supposed that it probably was better for her to be close now when Tohru was doing so badly, though she still worried about germs. Akito didn't say anything else, probably didn't know what to say, but Tohru didn't want to talk anyways. Eventually she stopped shaking and finally gave in to sleep. 

When Tohru woke up to the others getting home she realized that Akito had quietly slipped out the back door.

♡

Akito was awoken by a sound like the world splitting apart. She jolted upright, panic cooling when she heard the telling drone of rain hammering in the roof outside. Wait a minute, outside? She'd  _ been _ outside.

Before she could even process it, a blurred figure dashed up to her and wrapped her tight in its arms, enveloping her in a soft warmth. Tohru.  _ Oh, I'm home. _ She thought before shaking it off. That was silly, she didn't live in Tohru's apartment. Akito was about to say hello, but Tohru held her tight, too tight, and seemed like she was about to cry.

"Akito-chan! I thought you were just late but my neighbor called and said there was someone collapsed in the stairwell! Lying all crumpled up like that…  _ I almost thought-  _ I was worried _. _ It seemed like you were just tired and asleep so I carried you to my appartment, but…" Tohru rambled on, her voice sounding like it was about to break.

Akito, however, was maybe not focusing on the right part of the story. "You carried me? Your appartment is on the top floor…wow"

"That's not the point?" Tohru said, releasing Akito to shoot her a confused look.

"Oh, uh, sorry my brain's muddled."

Tohru took a deep breath, calming down a little. "What happened."

Akito felt her face heat up even more. "I was feeling bad in the morning but I guess… I guess I was just stubborn and wanted to see you. It got worse on the train and I barely made in to the complex but I sorta took a break on the stair and fell asleep…." She said, fidgeting in her seat, which she now realized was Tohru's living room couch. Saying all of that out loud… it brought to attention how embarrassingly reckless she had been. Akito hated that she made Tohru worry more so than she cared that she endangered herself, Tohru was so good, of course she'd worry.

Maybe Akito was just scared at the reminder of how much Tohru cared.

Tohru sighed. "I'll look after you, okay? It's raining really heavily and you'll probably have to stay until morning, Kyo's out on a trip with some work buddies so it should be fine. I'd call Hatori-san but…" she gestured to the window, were Akito could see the rain pouring down so thickly it looked like night.  _ It might be night, it was afternoon when I got to town but who knows how long I was out. _ Secretly she was glad that Tohru couldn't call Hatori, things were weird with him. Akito was past the point of thinking that Hatori disliked her, she knew he didn't but it was hard for her to bother him even when she was at the estate, let alone hours away. Awkward, haunted by the empty place where she thought resentment should be. And, somewhere deep inside she knew very well she'd rather be at Tohru's than the main estate right now,  _ especially  _ if Kyo would be gone, though the thought made her feel guilty. She wanted to be here, she didn't. She wanted Tohru to hold her till she got better, she wanted to run before she could do such a thing.

But she didn't have much of a choice.

Akito made sure not to betray her conflicted feelings and come off as cross, taking care to soften her tone and expression. "Thanks Tohru-kun, I think I'll be fine here."

Tohru smiled, one of her signature cute and happy ones, and Akito felt her heart skip a beat. She had calmed down some from earlier and soon stood, giving Akito a quick head pat (!) before heading for the kitchen.

For someone who used to get sick so much, Akito still  _ despised _ it. Or maybe it was  _ because  _ of its past prevalence that she hated it. She couldn't help but feel that she was reduced back down to that pathetic, weak thing that could only pull from others, that drew on every reservoir of pity to make them take care of her. Akito wanted to fix her own shit thank you very much, she liked the empowerment that her newfound agency gave her. Anything that remotely recalled back to the miserable multi faceted power imbalances she lived within for most of her life set off more than a few alarm bells. And she  _ certainly, more than anything, _ did not want to feel anything like that with Tohru, it'd defy everything that drew her to her in the first place. 

But she was sick, she was sick and she wouldn't exactly have gotten better if she'd stayed passed out in the stairwell.

Akito turned onto her side with a groan, trying to focus on her surroundings, to tether herself to the ground so she'd stop floating off into her own head.

"I'm going to grab some stuff, okay? I didn't want to mess with you in your sleep, what's your symptoms?" Tohru called from the kitchen.

"Tired, fever, chills, sore throat, headache, generally hurt all over" Akito replied in a matter of a fact voice. Tohru nodded and dashed off in a hurry, and Akito sank down into the cushions, shivering and wiping sweat off her brow. Closing her eyes to hide from the warm light of the apartment, she listened to Tohru bustling around the house. It felt grounding, safe. Tohru's energy seemed almost frantic this whole time though, like she was on some sort of deadline to get the stuff together.

Curious, Akito inspected Tohru's couch. It was new, different from the last time she'd been over, and it was really, really ugly. It looked like it was stitched in every color known to man with a thick, coarse thread that made Akito's skin crawl, though a lot of fabrics made Akito's skin crawl so it was probably a good thing she was rich enough to be picky. Its one good quality was its size, it was rather large, even the arms and back of the couch were large enough for someone to sit on. Also it smelled, like a dusty old room with books that had been left there maybe too long, or a basement. 

"New couch?" She called in a voice maybe a bit more disdainful than she'd meant. Ouch, being loud hurt her throat.

"Yeah, isn't it great?!" Replied Tohru. It was not great but Akito wasn't going to burst her bubble, that would be  _ mean.  _ "I got it for free!"

Now that gave Akito a bad feeling, well, an extra one on top of being sick. "Free?"

"Yeah, it was on the side of the road, me and Kyo just had to borrow his work friend's pick up truck to haul it back!" 

Akito knew Tohru really liked free stuff, in a way that went beyond just being tight on money. She could have, hypothetically, gotten nice new stuff. She had a lot of rich friends, but when they tried to give her more than a little she wouldn't take it, said she felt better making do by herself. If Hiro was here he'd say she was a brainwashed slave to the capitalist system something something bla bla bla in a really condescending tone. Anyways, even with that in mind this was going  _ too far. _

She was about to make a maybe not so nice comment about how the sofa was diseased, but Tohru called out to her first, so she resigned herself to just sit with as little of her touching it as possible.

"I've got water on for tea and the Good Blanket is in the dryer, I'll grab it in a minute."

The Good Blanket was a huge, unusually heavy blanket that Tohru and Akito both agreed was the best one that either of them owned. Something about the encompassing size and weight was strangely safe and comforting. Tohru kept it put up in her closet and pulled it out for "special occasions," which were limited almost entirely to her feeling anxious or Akito coming over to watch a movie. Pop that bad boy in the dryer for warmth and it was perfect.

A lot of scuffling later, Tohru strode back in balancing seemingly a dozen items in tow. Miraculously she managed to carefully array blanket, mug of tea, wet rag in a water basin, and huge first aid kit on the couch without spilling a thing, probably a first. _That's_ _a lot she's done just to help me. It was already a lot._ Only when she sat did she notice Akito, crouching down small on the edge of the couch with only her feet touching the cushions, and proceeded to give Akito one of her most incredulous looks ever.

Some had said that Akito had never in her life sat properly in a chair, which might be true. Sure she'd knelt formally on the floor before, but chairs were where things started to slip. There were many social rules she didn't know or had to learn late, but she didn't get the point of having a "right way" to sit, it didn't make logical sense, so she sat improperly even more out of sheer stubborn defiance. Tohru often sat properly in chairs, she was very practiced at being polite and deferential, though she often slipped and would act rather eccentrically. However, Akito had a hunch her natural state was also of sitting improperly and was on a mission to prove herself right. Tohru often sat "weirdly" when it was just the two of them, when there was no one but one of the same around. Of course that went both ways, they had found they had multiple shared "weird" habits that they'd stop covering up when they were together. It was fun, like their time together was a shared secret safe space.

However, this time Akito was sort of pushing it. Physically as well as metaphorically, she  _ had _ just passed out on the stairs. 

"I don't want to touch your couch." She explained to a quizzical Tohru.

"Here." Tohru said, leaning in close to wrap the warm blanket around her, hair and limbs momentarily brushing against Akito before she sat back. She smelled like flowery girl soap, which Akito normally didn't like, but when it was associated with Tohru it was… nice. The blanket was nice too, it was a bit like being buried in a pile of overly heavy laundry scented fluff, in a good way. Akito pulled the huge blanket tighter around her like a nest until only her head stuck out, relaxing now that she was sure that no part of her would have to touch the couch itself.  _ Tohru really is too sweet. _

Making sure all the liquids were safely on the side table, Tohru cracked open the overstuffed plastic box that housed the apartment's first aid supplies. The kit seemed to be sectioned off, one part neatly labeled with little hearts and stars, and the other blandly and utilitarianly organized.  _ Kyo. _ Akito's fist clenched for a second before she released it.

"Here." Tohru chirped, fishing out a thermometer. "When I fell ill as a kid my mom would always take my temperature, I'm no expert on sick people things, but I think we should do that. Open your mouth please." 

Akito complied, and tried very hard to have no weird feelings whatsoever about her best friend shoving something in her mouth. 

When she was done, Tohru just gave the thermometer a concerned look and turned behind her to the table, biting her lip. Wringing the water out of it, she picked up the rag and scooched over until she was on top of the edges of Akito's blanket fortress.

Akito started when Tohru pressed the cold cloth to her forehead, but it wasn't altogether unpleasant. She expected Tohru to move, to back off and let her hold it, but Tohru didn't. She just sat there with that same wide eyed, intent, expression she'd had the whole time, a slide tremble running through her arm. 

"Tohru, are you okay?"

Tohru breathed out slowly, and spoke quietly, dropping her cheery tone. "I… it's nothing."

"You're lying." Akito said, meeting Tohru's gaze.

Tohru looked down, rubbing her arms. She'd let go of the rag, which stayed stubbornly adhered to Akito's forehead, and drew back to her original sitting spot. 

"It's just, people getting sick worries me, more than normal." 

It would have been easy for Akito to brush this off and say not to worry, but glimpses of Tohru's deep held anxieties were hard to catch. As friendly as she was, Tohru was a very guarded person, and Akito wanted to know what was behind the curtain in its entirety. And besides, she decided a long time ago that she had to help Tohru with her problems too, not that she was anywhere as talented with giving advice. But she could listen and she could understand, and that seemed to be what Tohru liked best anyways.

"Do you want to talk about it? It's not like I have anything else to do."  _ Ask her first, let her know it's not an inconvenience, that's how to get through to Tohru. _

Tohru paused, inhaling through clenched teeth. "My father… that's how he went out. I was young but… yeah."

_ Oh. _

But Tohru wasn't done, rambling on like the words where spilling out of her. "That's where I got my polite speech, it's… I faked it my mom was doing really bad at the time and I didn't want her to leave me. So, yeah barely knew him but still got messed up."

You know that weird feeling when someone turns out to have weirdly similar experiences to you, disorienting but also validating? Yeah, Akito didn't expect to have her  _ very _ complicated feelings on her father brought up that night. It really was uncanny, this wasn't the first shared trait of her and Tohru to be brought to her attention, but they were starting to add up. It was scary almost, how much of herself that she could see in Tohru, but all the same it made her want to get closer.  _ But it was always like that, wasn't it? Even back then, didn't Tohru reach out because she thought we were the same? _

Akito was snapped back to reality by Tohru's quiet, quivering voice. "I'm sorry that was sort of a lot to drop."

"No, it's fine, I…"

Akito looked back at Tohru with wide eyes, unsure of what to say next, or more accurately,  _ how  _ to say it. She awkwardly fiddled with the edge of her skirt, getting up the courage to open her mouth again. She made her decision.

"My father died of illness too, he was sick for a while so we knew it was coming but it still hurt." Tohru's eyes widened. "And yes, I too projected unhealthy expectations from my father so that people wouldn't leave me after that except for that what I got was a God complex." Akito blurted out, maybe trying to hard to push a lighthearted tone. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I didn't pick up the fear of illness, but I get it, conceptually." 

Tohru seemed to draw in on herself, a trace of frantic energy in her eyes. "If your dad was sick like that, then are you-"

"No."

The fear left Tohru's eyes, but Akito could see her shaking just get stronger as she started to  _ sob _ , fat tears spilling out of her eyes like the rain dripping down the window outside. Akito leaned closer to Tohru, putting a concerned hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, did I just make you feel worse?"

"No! It's just-" Tohru sniffled, trying to wipe her eyes, "Geez, I thought I was over this." she choked out between sobs. Honestly, Akito felt like crying too, she always was one to feed off of other's emotions, but she kept it inside. Tohru probably needed to cry over this, Akito had already spilled enough tears over someone that had been dead for nearly two decades. 

Tohru turned, and Akito could see her tear streaked face for a second before she grabbed Akito by the collar and buried her face in her chest, still sobbing.

"Felt safe" murmered Tohru, so quiet Akito almost couldn't make it out. She couldn't understand what Tohru meant.

Soon, Tohru gradually settled down, taking deep, rattling breaths. She peeled herself away from Akito, shaking her head vigorously.

She laughed sardonically. "Daddy issues club, yay? We really are the opposite person but the same person, y'know?"

_ I know. _

Wiping her eyes, Tohru spoke. "Wanna quit discussing sad stuff and watch cartoons?"

Akito hummed in approval "Yeah, but no telling."

Tohru giggled, and Akito was struck, not for the first time, by how unfairly cute she was.  _ Younger me deserves to be tossed in the ocean for the amount of times she called Tohru ugly, even if she didn't mean it. _ Honestly being dunked in some water didn't seem that bad right now with how warm her face felt.  _ Weird, maybe I'm getting sick. Well, sick-er. _

Grabbing the remote from the side table, Tohru crawled over to Akito, tugging on the edge of the blanket to indicate that she wanted in.

"Aren't you worried about getting sick?" Questioned Akito.

Tohru sighed, biting her lip. "Honestly, I don't want to worry about it this second. I don't get sick easily like you, and I got a flu shot already so I'll probably be fine. Please, I just… want to stay." 

Akito held up one side of the blanket like it was a cave and Tohru shuffled in before it was closed around her. She was flopped against Akito's side, fighting off the chill in a way that even the warm blanket didn't. Akito decided not to think about it too much when Tohru intertwined their fingers under the blanket.

They just sat there curled up in the blanket for a while, watching a show in silence. It was a quiet solidarity, but a pleasant one. Slowly Tohru softened, her energy going back to its normal easygoing state, Akito, however, was still on edge.

At some point, Tohru started lightly stroking Akito's hair and she felt like she was going to  _ cry. _ Everything Tohru had done, taking her in, trying to take care of her, it was nice, it was too much.

The truth was, Tohru was good and loving and she (for whatever reason) cared about Akito and legitimately wanted her around, and this threatened to  _ break her. _ Tohru made her feel safe and loved in a way that was normal, not born out of some magical fate bs, and she simply couldn't deal with that. She didn't have to, and it wasn't the easiest path, but Tohru still liked being around her. The first time Tohru told her that being around her made her happy she cried, and crying made her feel pathetic and weak and disgusting. She hated it so much, hated that she was so messed up that she couldn't process this kindness. She hated herself, but that was nothing new. 

She'd been raised thinking that she had to be needed as a God, but when she was wanted as a human she didn't know what to do.

But she didn't want to cry tonight, so Akito regulated her breathing and took a sip of her lukewarm tea. And another. And another. It wasn't working, she felt shaky and stupid for being so easily set off that day but she had to say something.

"Tohru-" she said quietly, breaking whatever unspoken pact of silence they had going on, "why do you like me?"

The other girl looked at her with a sigh. "We've had this conversation before. That's a hard question, hard to define. I could just say that you're my friend and I care about you but if you want a list-"

"No,  _ why _ do you like me. After all this time I still can't get it no matter how many times you try to explain."

"Akito-" 

"I mean because I'm a horrible person, okay _ " _ Akito wrapped her arms around herself tight, becoming as small as she could even as she felt her own nails biting into her. The threat of tears stung the corner of her eyes. 

"Because I don't think you're a horrible person. I've told you before and I'll tell you again, but I'm not backing down." Tohru's response was so clear, so resolute, like she didn't have to think about it at all.

"Of course you'd say that, you're just not wired to see things as bad when you can find a bright side. I admire that about you, but it has to be considered." 

Bitterness was growing inside of Akito's chest. She should have expected Tohru's response, it was frustrating but she couldn't find it in her to be angry at Tohru or comforted by what she said. Not when the one she was furious with was herself.

Tohru clenched her jaw, looking determined. This was fiery, resolute, take no shit Tohru, and she was a sight to behold. "I think, even if I wasn't me, I'd have a hard time writing off someone who tries as hard as you. I'm not going to pretend we can forget the past but it's not the end all be all of who you are." Tohru looked Akito dead in the eyes, tone serious. "And please don't imply I'd just go in blind for anyone no matter how bad they were. I didn't always like you, didn't always want anything to do with you; don't write off my judgement I can look out for myself."

Tohru fully acknowledging her was good, it's not like she'd ever failed that before, and if she hadn't Akito might have pushed her away long ago. A Tohru that wasn't blind could be kept around, though the reminder of what they used to be stung. Akito knew she should have just succumbed to Tohru's comforting words, but she couldn't shut up, couldn't stop digging herself even deeper. There was one thing that still bugged her. "But you do hesitate around me, you do hold back, you must know deep down…"

Tohru took a pause, cocking her head to the side in confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about when have I ever-"

"I'm talking about Kyo, okay!" Akito said, voice breaking a little. "You barely even mention him around me!"

Tohru's eyes widened, voice going back to its usual tone. "Oh, I'm sorry that was bothering you, I had no idea! I just thought you wouldn't want me blabbering on about someone you're not close with, it's nothing-"

"But you won't even call him your boyfriend around me, not once."

Tohru looked stunned, opening and closing her mouth a few times and looking from left to right. "Akito-chan" she said seriously, "Kyo is _not_ _my boyfriend."_

You know the feeling, the feeling when you're snapped out of a dream and are left reeling from being jerked abruptly out of one reality and into another? That mental whiplash? Yeah.

Akito had been jealous of Kyo. The former cat having what the former God wanted, ironic. She hated it, hated that those nasty feelings still lived inside her, but they grew like an infestation, poison quietly spreading and mutating within her until she was choked with it. But that was the important part, that it hurt only  _ her.  _ The thing was she  _ knew _ how bad it could get, how those feelings could poison everything around her, so even though she'd never let Kyo catch wind if it, she still felt guilty, and that guilt mixed with her guilt over liking Tohru, only adding to the poisonous emotions. She had wished that she could just leave it behind, that she could just get rid of that negativity and be fine with them,  _ that she could just feel normally about Tohru. _

But now, to have all of that unceremoniously jerked away was almost worse.

It was worse because she didn't know what to do.

Akito realized that she had been spacing out, silently staring out into nothing in shock.  _ Can't let Tohru know I'm having a mini existential crisis over here. _ She cleared her throat.

"What?"

Tohru's whole face was red, and she talked more with her hands, like she was having trouble illustrating her point. "Kyo's my best friend, but it's not  _ like that.  _ When he got the offer to train here… well he needed a roommate and we'd already lived together for years. I just wanted to get out y'know, try something new, work for a while… I'm sorry that you misunderstood."

Akito buried her face in her knees. "You don't have to be sorry I'm just a fool."

_ Foolish to think I was special, foolish to think anything I did would have held the curse together, foolish to think the juuni wouldn't fall for her. (Foolish to think I wouldn't fall too.) _

_ Foolish for less dramatic things like assuming someone's relationship status. _

Silence, thick, cloying silence only penetrated by the ongoing drone of the rain. Agitation burrowed under Akito's skin, an unwelcome annoyance she couldn't scratch out. She felt like she could scream, she was afraid she'd lash out like a scared animal backed into a corner. She opted to take a chill pill.

"Tohru, can you leave me alone for a bit? I need to think."

Tohru hesitated, of course she did, she was never one to leave a friend in need alone, but Akito gave her a meaningful  _ I know what I'm doing  _ look and she nodded in understanding and left for the kitchen.

Once Tohru was safely out of view, Akito herself crawled out of the blanket and stumbled in the opposite direction to the bathroom. Slamming her hands down on the counter edge maybe too hard, she turned the sink onto cold. Once she was satisfied with the temperature she splashed her face with water, trying to cool her racing thoughts. Thoroughly cold she stopped, leaning on the counter for support as she met the dark eyes of the person in the mirror. Akito hated mirrors, but she couldn't stop. It was twofold for her. On one hand, she knew, objectively, that she was attractive, she just couldn't feel it. Couldn't help but feel unwelcome in her own skin when the person she saw looked the same as the one that everyone believed was a man. On the other, even more than that she couldn't stand looking in the mirror and staring back at the two people she hated most in the world.

And she didn't need that on top of her Tohru crisis.

Of course, truthfully her Tohru crisis had been going on for a long, long time. What even was there to think about it anymore? Akito tore her eyes away from the mirror, burying her face in a fluffy hand towel she'd grabbed to wipe the water off. She loved Tohru and she felt bad for loving Tohru, like she was dirtying their friendship by wanting more that she knew she couldn't have. It had been  _ so  _ easy to fall for Tohru and so hard to live with it. She knew she couldn't be with Tohru because, as she was constantly punished for, she was, in fact, not a boy and didn't want to be. As much as she didn't feel quite right as a girl the thought of playing a man, even to be with Tohru, sickened her. It would never be allowed. Besides, Tohru was taken before Akito even got the chance to know her.  _ Except for that she wasn't _ .

Frustrated, Akito flung the towel at the floor and stomped off. She'd have to apologize for that later. When she returned to her old friend the couch she curled up in the corner on top of the blanket, trying to tone everything out and focus on the rain. She could still hear the background scrabbling of Tohru in the kitchen, like an itch in the back of her brain. Her head hurt like someone had hit her with a bat, both from thinking and from her headache. Akito couldn't be sure how long she stayed like that, half spaced out and miserable.

Then the noises in the kitchen stopped, and Tohru slowly came padding back into the room. This time she didn't sit right next to Akito on the couch but perched on the generous sofa arm. Sitting incorrectly agenda indeed.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong yet?" Inquired Tohru.

_ Can't hide it forever. _

Akito's mouth felt dry, she didn't meet Tohru's eyes.

_ Just lie like you always do. _

"Akito-chan?"

Akito broke.

"I love you." She said, voice quiet and shaking.  _ Oh God I hadn't meant to say that. _

"Me too! You're one of my best friends Akito-cha-"

Akito laughed bitterly. "You don't get it."

Tohru looked beautiful, all warm colors and soft edges, the light from above haloing around her brown hair. With her like that, Akito could imagine she was a lowly sinner talking to a celestial being. No, that wasn't right. Tohru was  _ painfully _ human and Akito knew it, that was what made her so amazing.

"I don't understand what you're getting at, but rest assured I love you too! You're one of the closest people to me, and I like being around you, and I-"

For a second Akito could see the look of suprise in Tohru's warm brown eyes before she closed hers as she lept up and kissed her.

It was stupid, years of wanting crashing together in one impulsive moment. Fever and repressed longing were one hell of a drug. All things considered it was a soft kiss, one of the gentlest Akito had ever given. It was an awkward position, Akito on her knees and having to brace herself on the arm of the couch to reach Tohru, but she didn't dare push harder, afraid to break whatever tiny moment she was trapped in, afraid to have to go back to the real world and deal with the implications. 

It was really only a few seconds but it felt like a thousand. Fear and guilt started to wash over Akito, and she pulled away, dropping back down into a sitting position. It had been just a second, one soft second that she'd have to sustain herself on for the rest of her life. She couldn't delude herself into wanting more. But just after she pulled away something happened.

Tohru kissed back.

Tohru kissed back and there wasn't anything soft or hesitant about it. She threaded her fingers through the long strip of hair framing the side of Akito's face and up to the back of her head, pulling Akito's face to hers. Shock and  _ want _ mixed together in Akito's veins, sweeping her up in the moment and making her feel like she was on fire. She couldn't even process that Tohru had kissed her back, that Tohru might  _ like her back _ , not with Tohru's soft lips pressing insistently against hers, not when even the sting of her hair being used as a handle just felt hot. Tohru was sweet and gentle, Akito knew she was also very assertive when she needed to be but when she couldn't even imagine that girl liking her back she could never have imagined this.

Akito wrapped an arm around Tohru's back, pulling herself up to the edge of couch. She worried, for a second, that she'd accidentally push them both off. Making out on the arm of a couch was a dangerous game, a dance of who would fall off or pull away first. Tohru responded by dipping Akito down so that her head was resting on the back of the couch and Tohru was over her, strong legs framing Akito's hips. This worked better, and Tohru could just kiss her even harder. 

Not to be outdone and emboldened by the other, Akito gave it her all too. They found some strange rythm like that, hungry mouths pressed together in a single strange, elongated moment of impulse and sparks. Experimentally, Akito nipped at Tohru's lips, and was met with a cute, muffled noise from the other girl. She did it again, a slight coppery tang mixing with the sweet cherry taste of Tohru's chapstick. Burn, she felt like she was burning, the fever spreading and eating them both up from the inside. It was terrifying and wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time. Akito's nails dug into Tohru's shirt as she tried to pull her impossibly closer, because she didn't want this moment to end, didn't want to wake up and have it be a dream, a misunderstanding, a  _ mistake.  _ She took solace in the fact that Tohru also didn't seem to want it to end. Neither had paused for a breather, panting into eachother's mouths. Akito could feel Tohru's chest heaving, hear her labored breaths, and she felt that they were altogether juvenile and desperate and doing amazing. 

Akito may have started this, but there was no question who was running the show now. All she could feel now was Tohru, Tohru's mouth on hers, Tohru's warm, solid form on her too hot slender one, Tohru's hand softly running through her hair where she'd pulled it earlier. Tohru slowly breaking away.

The dream was over.

They looked into eachother's eyes, gasping as they tried to steal their breath back, and Akito wondered if she looked as beautifully wrecked as Tohru. Her hair and clothes were mussed, eyes half lidded, and there was a soft blush on her cheeks. Her slightly parted lips were damp, and Akito swore there was a trace of blood there. Slowly, like her limbs were heavy, Tohru swung off of the couch and onto the floor. Akito slid back down onto the couch cushions too out of it to speak, and Tohru didn't seem much better off. She kept on clearing her throat like she was going to say something, probably some flustered incoherent ramble, but she couldn't seem to get it out.

Frankly, the best word for how Akito was feeling was overwhelmed. It had been building up since the beginning, little things piling up. It was everything; how kind Tohru was to her, their conversation, how fuzzy and off the fever made her feel, the illness born aches and fatigue, how over loud and grating everything sounded, the scratchy material of the couch. And the final nail in the coffin, her years of hidden longing culminating in the emotionally and physically overwhelming experience of making out with her best friend of almost 4 years on the arm of a shitty sofa she'd found for free on the side of the road.  _ Fuck _ . Tohru knew, there was no way to hide her feelings now. And worse, she'd  _ kissed her _ . God she should apologize, hope and pray that she hadn't destroyed one of the few legitimately good and happy relationships she had left. Pray that she hadn't fucked up yet another thing beyond repair. She'd been so hidden, so careful to not give anyone another reason to hate her as she was so sure Tohru and everyone else would if they found out she had such  _ feelings. _ But Tohru had  _ kissed back _ and that was confusing and she was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that she felt panicked.

Akito Sohma began to cry. She cried until she was shaking and gasping for breath, tears dripping from her face. This was not a sad cry, or a happy cry, but the terrified, hysterical sobbing of someone who thought they might lose everything. There where just too many feelings and Akito couldn't find the off switch.

"I'm sorry,  _ I'm sorry! _ " She choked out " _ Please don't hate me.!" _

"Hey, hey, settle down." Tohru sounded even more flustered now, an edge of suprise in her voice. Akito was glad she couldn't see Tohru from where she sat.

She looked down, fingernails digging into the couch in an unconscious attempt to rip at it. Once she managed to control her sobbing enough to speak again, however strained and breathless, she rambled on like a madman, not caring how stupid and overly dramatic she sounded. Like a sinner at confession before they where taken off to death's row.

"Fate's punishing me, that's the only explanation. Really, is there anything more perfect than me falling for the one that I swore the zodiac would never fall for, an outsider that went against everything the Sohma was? It's  _ stupid  _ and  _ ironic _ and I can't stand it! I love you but I don't know how to, I want to pull the stars out of the sky for you, I want to stay quietly by your side as long as I can, but I  _ can't. _ " 

When she was done she felt empty, like all of her ability to care was sucked out of her only leaving a dark void. Even her crying settled down, quieting until she wasn't making a sound but her own breathing. It was a numb, hopeless sort of feeling.

Akito was waiting, preparing for the sting of Tohru's rejection, but it never came. Instead, she silently stood and walked to the front of the couch, sitting cross legged facing Akito. Tilting Akito's chin up she met her eyes, eyes slightly teary and smiling gently.

"The thing is, I love you like that too, Akito."

_ oh. _

_ Oh. _

_ OH. _

Once again Akito felt like her world was shattering, but this time it didn't hurt. Really, she didn't know what to feel. It was the revelation that maybe she could be allowed to  _ have this. _ Maybe for once in her life she could do something big out of an emotion other than fear or bone crushing guilt. It was the destruction and rebuilding of all the emotion that had been growing inside her for ages within a second.

When she remembered to breathe again Akito spoke, trying to wipe tears from her eyes even as they kept falling. She took a deep breath and focused on talking to Tohru, trying to drown out the overwhelming feeling from before. "How? How did I never know that?

Tohru sighed. "Y'know, you're a scarily perceptive person, but not when it comes to what people feel about you, you're too caught up in your own narrative about what you  _ think _ they should feel."

Akito felt herself blush in embarrassment. The tears had stopped, though she still sort of felt like she'd been emotionally gut punched. "I guess that's true… I guess I'll have to work on it. But did you know I liked you? Why did you never tell?"

Tohru looked away, fidgeting and blushing too. "No I wasn't sure if you liked me back, but I wanted you to come to me on your own terms, when you where ready. I wouldn't want things to fall apart because you weren't ready. And maybe I was scared too."

Akito thought this was somewhat fair, if Tohru had confessed to her back when Akito first loved her there would be no way it would have gone well. And yet… "I might have never told you."

Tohru smiled wistfully. "No, you would have, I know you."

Akito crossed her arms, putting on a false pretentious tone. "Oh really? I'm good at hiding secrets."

"Secrets yes, feelings no."  _ Fair. _

Then Akito remembered something. "Wait a minute then, then when I said I loved you earlier why did you react like that?"

Tohru tapped her fingers together. "Oh. I kinda legitimately thought you meant just in a friend way."

"Pft, I guess if I ever have to confess again I'll word it as "I'm in love with you in a romantic way" then." Akito said, laughing slightly. Tohru really was a mood lightener when Akito wasn't having a crisis about her.

Tohru swung her arm up in an enthusiastic gesture. "Yes please!"

"Well fine then."

Turning more serious again, Tohru leaned closer, stroking Akito's cheek. "But really, I am glad. You held your feelings for me in your heart for so long, so thank you. I wish I could experience things the way you do, to know what it is to feel your love so intensely."

Akito looked away, running a hand through her hair. "A love like that will only burn you up in the end."

"Really? I don't think it has to be like that."

Akito decided to deflect the conversation back on Tohru. "And don't say it like I love more than you, that's preposterous. It's more like… my feelings are loud, larger than life, and yours are softer, more orderly. But also with a lot of crying, you do do that but I'm obviously not one to speak."

When Tohru looked at her there was a comforting warmth in her eyes. "Well maybe with my soft and your loud mixed together we'll turn out halfway alright."

Akito decided that maybe she could try to believe it too. She nodded, a small smile curving her lips. "I'd like that."

"Well, that is unless..." Tohru said, looking to the side and pursing her lips.

"Unless???" Akito leaned in close to Tohru's face. 

"Unless you keep on being such a repressed disaster gay." She chirped, flicking Akito on the nose.

Akito was sure her pale face was thoroughly pink. "Ah! You're teasing me!" Tohru was not a well established tease like Hana, but that just meant that it hit even harder when she did decide to mess with someone. Not that Akito could handle teasing from anyone really. 

Tohru looked way too pleased with herself for achieving mischief, happily flapping her right hand. "Yep. You're going to have to deal with it a lot more if you're my girlfriend."

" _ Why."  _ Akito hissed

"Because your face looks too cute when you get flustered."

Akito clicked her tongue. "Tohru Honda mercilessly screwing with a sick person, maybe you're the wicked one here"

"Guilty~" Suddenly her eyes widened, like someone smacked her in the head with the realization stick. "Ah, no, that's right you're still sick! Arg, I shouldn't have kissed a sick person  _ like that _ , I probably made you worse!"

Akito bit her lip at the recollection of  _ that incident. _ "I started it. Also I probably gave you my germs so I really should be the one apologizing…"

Tohru looked stubbornly resolute, sitting up straight with a steely look in her eyes. "Still, I should be taking care of you tonight… what can I do to help?" 

"Um, I…"

"Speak up, I know you can be plenty bossy, I  _ want _ to help it's not an inconvenience."

Akito felt uncomfortable for a second, not wanting to make Tohru do any more for her. It was her eternal dilemma, her balancing act where she'd try her hardest to add things up equally so she'd be a symbiote instead of a parasite. Had she done enough to pay this back even if she didn't deserve it? 

Or, as she now wondered, did she just automatically assume that her getting anything would unbalance the scale?

Well, maybe even someone like her couldn't be blamed for helped when ill, as much as the recollections it brought left a sour taste in her mouth. They'd get nowhere if she didn't give in, they were both too stubborn. 

"I'm tired and feel like I'm half dead after all of this, can I sleep in your bed?"

Tohru nodded. "Well of course! What sort of host would I be if I made you sleep on the couch?"

"And, uh, one more thing." Akito felt her face burning but there was no going back now. "Can-can you carry me?

Tohru was taken aback for a bit, but then nodded, giving Akito a knowing smile that made her flustered for the 1000th time that night. Then she swept Akito up from her seat, like she was a prince and Akito was a princess that she was rescuing from a particularly questionable couch. Tohru held Akito firmly and carefully, strong despite her (lacking) height. 

Tohru's room was dark when she pushed open the door, bathed in too many shadows for Akito to make out its features. The bed was soft though, and Akito was grateful for that, even if it wasn't what she was used to. She hadn't quite realized how  _ tired _ she was until she lay down. Lovingly, Tohru brushed her bangs aside and kissed her on the forehead, making Akito's breath catch in her throat. Tohru sat on the side of the bed beside her, springs creaking as she sat down. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, looking at her hands.

"I- thank you, actually, I'm glad I got to be here for you." 

Akito blinked, confused. "I should be thanking you and you know it."

"But I'm happy, for real!" Tohru paused. "Remember, back in Tokyo, when I got really sick and you showed up?"

Akito did, though this was the first time it crossed her mind that night. It was a single memory, distant and of no great remark to her, embarrassing if anything. 

"Dear, yeah. I had even  _ less _ of an idea of what I was doing then."

Tohru fidgeted with her hands. "I, I thought it was really sweet. Especially since it would have been harder for you then. It's stuck with me for a while, and I always sort of hoped I could do the same for you."

"Oh."

Things finally started to click into place. Akito didn't think that day meant anything to Tohru, honestly, she thought Tohru might have forgotten. Surely, her fledgling attempt at altruism was of little worth. But Tohru had kept that memory and cherished it in her heart, and Akito couldn't have even known. Maybe in the same way Tohru might be discounting what she was doing right now.

She'd been sitting here fussing about a favor, when the whole time Tohru was just trying to match something she did. Akito felt stupid. Because it was weird to try to rationalize it like a scoreboard, especially when either player didn't know what their own deeds were worth. Because they both  _ wanted _ to do things for the other and that was really a very normal thing. Because Akito didn't get to be the judge of if Tohru wanted to like her. Because weakness and generosity were fine if both parties were showing it. Akito knew she didn't entirely known how to do it, but she wanted to. She wanted to learn this kindness more than she'd wanted anything in her life. Because she loved Tohru and she was going to keep on loving Tohru, and by all the stars in the heavens she was going to do it right.

While Akito came down from her quiet revelation, Tohru stood, then she stepped back, silhouetted by the harsh light from the hall. Akito felt like an empty hole was growing in her chest when she realized that Tohru was going to leave. Maybe she would be just a bit selfish. Softly, hesitantly, Akito grasped onto Tohru's shirt sleeve. "Please, stay."

Tohru didn't resist at all, silently crawling into bed and opening her arms, gesturing at Akito to come over. Well that was good, there was nothing that Akito could have wanted more at that moment than to be held. She hoped this wasn't going too fast, from what she found out girls slept together in the literal sense as friends all the time, another normal she wasn't used to. Akito crawled over to Tohru, positioning herself halfway on top of her so that her head was resting on Tohru's chest. Tohru wrapped her arms around Akito, holding her close until it felt like they might merge into one.

When Akito was starting to drift off, which didn't take long with the comfort of Tohru being there, she was struck with a realization. "So are we girlfriends now?"

Tohru squeezed her tight. "I'd sure hope so. After all of that I'm not letting you get away so easily. But, do  _ you _ want to be, would you be good with it?"

"Well, we'd have to be semi-long distance, and we'd have to be secretive so the whole Sohma clan doesn't find out, and your friends might not be too happy, and we can't even legally get married, and also you could do better than me." Rattled off Akito.

"Frankly, I'm not going to debate about if I could do better because I'm afraid I've grown quite fond already. Besides that, we can talk logistics in the morning." 

Akito had already come to her decision before, she just wanted that extra confirmation. "I'd like to try." She hummed happily. "Think we can make it work?"

Tohru ruffled her hair. "Yeah, let's go to sleep already, it's been a long day."

As much as she wanted to sleep, Akito wanted to stay in this moment a little longer. She felt safe with Tohru holding her, safer than she had in a long time. Even if she felt sort of horrible on a physical level, she though that this warm, uncomplicated feeling in her might be  _ happiness. _ Safe and happy, after everything she really hadn't been sure that was a thing she had the ability to feel. Akito had tried not to mourn the possibility of a her that hadn't been hurt too badly to ever dream of just being  _ ok _ like a normal person, but maybe she could manage it some of the time. It's not that this was just Tohru's doing, Akito had to fight on her own, but she made Akito believe that she could. It would be stupid to believe that Tohru could fix her, and she didn't want it like that. Akito wanted her to stay sitting beside her; right now, she was just content that she felt so safe and  _ wanted. _

"Hm, I love you." She whispered.

"You told me that already, silly."

"Well you're going to have to hear it again everytime I'm reminded why I do, for all the days I couldn't say it." She hugged Tohru back, taking a second of silence. "I like being around you, more than anything. When we're together I'm just another person, not a God or some unreachable figurehead. You almost make me feel like a real human."

Tohru made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sniffle. "Okay now no talking."

Akito nodded, letting herself relax in Tohru's strong arms. Just when the fuzzy warmth had almost consumed her, Tohru broke the silence.

"Do you ever think?"

"Hm? I thought you said no talking." Akito grumbled.

She made a funny noise, then spoke quietly. "Just once more. Do you ever think that, if things had gone differently we might have hated eachother forever? We could have been nothing more than enemies."

Akito smirked. "Spicy, I got to kiss my ex-enemy. Honestly that's pretty on brand."

" _ Akito." _

Akito felt a stab of sadness. It was a tragic, lonely thing to think about. She nuzzled deeper into Tohru's arms, something to help them remember reality. "Honestly, I really don't want to think about it."

Tohru pulled her closer, voice breaking a little. "Me neither. I'm glad that that didn't happen, so glad I can't express it."

Akito was too, so glad she couldn't express it with all the words she knew. She wouldn't trade Tohru for a million false eternities. 

When they finally drifted off to sleep, Akito didn't feel alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much if you made it to the end! Now, a few notes: 
> 
> • Akki's just a sucker for Tohru, I think she'd get a crush on her pretty easily. Listen, she was just like "haha the zodiac will not come to like Tohru" and then after precisely that happened she too did the thing after talking to Tohru for like a combined 10 minutes. So already a disaster and Tohru's just the first person that she legitimately cared about outside of magical fate bs that wasn't her dad, so she's already really important to her. I don't think it would be hard for Akki to fall for her, and then she'd just be stuck with this big ironic crush.  
> • I'm a lesbian Akito truther incase you couldn't tell  
> • The summary of this fic could be "Akito tries really fucking hard while having no idea what she's doing"  
> • I didn't really get to show an outside perspective on the but the dynamic is that people just see them and are like ah yes the scary prickly one and the small sweet one and that's technically true but also the sweet one is a strong willed hardhead and the prickly one is really soft for her. Also they're both weirdos and surprisingly similar.  
> • Akito being taller but a weak twig and Tohru being short and buff and able to carry her :3  
> • And they were character foils  
> • Kyo and Tohru even when not romantic are still bffs I refuse to accept any alternate ship reality where they aren't on good terms.  
> • When ur crush thinks you're dating your platonic male friend  
> • When Akito gets upset she has can't shut up disease  
> • I wish I had more time to focus on Tohru's feelings here but since I chose Akito's pov for the main timeline...  
> • Come a couple weeks later when Akito gets separate texts from almost all the former zodiac saying that they "need to talk." Que her having to clear her schedule for half a week to receive back to back shovel talks. It was a terrifying experience but like she deserved it.  
> • I'm usually mostly and Akito and Tohru as friends enthusiast but I'm lesbian and the spirit of early quarantine possessed me.
> 
> I greatly appreciate any comments or kudos! If you want to find me I'm @ ghostietea on Tumblr and Twitter


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